B.A.D.

Wednesday, Two-thousand something something…

I stare at myself through the reflection of a cracked mirror. This isn’t an allegory that I’m fractured. Please, this isn’t poetry. 

I can see my molars through the different shards as I yawn. Fillings. Metal. That’d be a bitch if if they cracked. I brush my teeth diligently ‘cause I don’t like implied future pain. And for the love of God, floss. There’s a broken brush in front of me. My hair is messy. Knotting. Now, this is optional. What a conundrum. Who am I brushing for? Me? The big  Man upstairs? I always wanted Rastafarian locks. 

“Alright Brian, what’s on the agenda today?”

”   ”

“Maybe I’ll be Louis today.”

”   ”

“Or Don… no. Ew.”

”   ”

“James? No.”

”   ”

“I’ll be Louis today. Alright, Lou. Who are you and what do you want?”

”   ”

“So no morning routine, eh?”

”   ”

“Yeah, routines are for suckers.” 

There are movies I used to watch as a kid, they all looked so pretty and well done. Men looked rugged. Women looked pretty. Straight out of a L’oreal commercial.

Who am I kidding? Hygiene is important for survival. But let’s face it. Surviving is for the birds. What’s the point of surviving if there’s no one here to survive with?

I left the deodorant off me and rushed upstairs because I didn’t like the smell of me. It had just occurred to me. I can make life as I see it. I decided to use the fine china. Doris the Delinquent wouldn’t mind.

The cup cracked into a thousand pieces. Oops.

I think it’s time I consider relocation. Maybe expansion. Real estate always confused me. But for the longest I’ve been squatting. And for what? I can make this whole place in my image. Homeowner Heston wouldn’t mind either. Too bad the construction crew won’t answer my calls. I have all this cash lying around. Oh, I didn’t say it was my cash. Found a mattress full of giant bills. Heston doesn’t believe in investing, I see. Figures that the day I have my hands on this much cash, it looses all of its monetary value. But the house isn’t just mine, the whole block is. 

Oh well… I’ll just take the Bentley down to the Windsor’s house. They have a mile long driveway. Inconsiderate schmucks.

Tuesday Two blah-blah-blah 

I’ve spent six days in Windsor’s house. I contemplate solitary confinement and what it means to be the last person on earth. What duty do I owe the legacy of homo-sapiens to keep in good health? 

What I wouldn’t give to have a zombie pop out of the closet, right now. The Windsor’s have running water. They were rich enough to have their own backup generator too. Katherinne Windsor has a wardrobe she isn’t wearing anymore. I tried on some of her outfits on. Women are weird. And men are weird for making women think we like that stuff. Not very functional, a thong. Sweats are more your style, Kate. Wanna trade? Maybe you wouldn’t purse your lips in every photo you have in this damn house.

What is a house anyway? Follow me for a sec, ’cause you know, I literally have all the time in the world. A house is only a representation of what’s in your mind. This house has a giant hole in the roof. How fitting. You should schedule an appointment with your therapist, Mr. Windsor. 

Walter Windsor… you’ve been holding out on me, you son of a bitch. Cubans… tsk tsk. You know these are illegal, right? That fire burns that faint, sweet smell packed within. Wanna call the police? Arrest, jail and indict me? A government works when there’s no one in it. Humans are so dysfunctional. 

“You wouldn’t mind if I help myself?”

”   ”

“What’s that?”

”   ”

“Oh, it’s a celebration.”

”   ”

“It’s been… oh, let’s be real here. I lost track of the days since that rock plummeted to the earth a year ago.”

”   ”

“Well, it feels like a year.”

”   ”

“Who knows nowadays. It snowed last summer.”

”   ”

“That could have been ash, but you know tomato toe-mah-toe. Snow fall. Ash rain. All the same thing.”

”   ”

“I’m taking your house coat, Walter. But you Kate… I’m taking your fluffy sandals, you regal mink you.”

”   ”

“Gourmet beans? Don’t mind if I do. I’d ring for Jeffrey but I’ve given him a permanent vacation with a third of your worthless money. You don’t mind do you? Now what on earth am I going to watch? 

Walter and Kate Windsor must’ve prepped for the apocalypse. These films give it away. 28 Days Later. Cast Away. LOST. I AM LEGEND. Boring! Seen ’em all. The Blue Lagoon? Gross. Someone has issues, eh? Want to be alone much? News flash. It’s overrated. There’s a laundry list of old classic movies that submit me into sedation. Give me something I haven’t seen before! Oh, hello there. What’s this? Home movies?

I’m treated to trips to the Grand Canyon and Italian boat rides in Venice. Oh, you’re such a romantic, Walter. Walter. Walter Windsor. My ADD is kicking in hyperdrive, Walter Windsor. And all of a sudden, it occurred to me, you just might be an international super spy. Or maybe you are a superhero and Walter is your alter ego. 

Do you have a secret panel on your wall, Walter Windsor? Or shall I call you Double Two Times U. Where’s your red phone, DDU? Maybe this stone bust’s skull creaks back as if it were decapitated, revealing a red button that gives way to your winged rodent cave. If you don’t give up the goods, I’m just gonna trash the place. Martha, mother of Walter, is not going to like that. 

You leave your fancy mother’s pearls lying around the house? Yes, I will wear them. even when I’m in the house. The biggest rarest clams of the South Pacific died to get you these pearls. Don’t I look ridiculous, darling?

What’s this?  

A journal? Now this has way more value than any amount of money you Windsor’s have. Besides who doesn’t love a good story?

Friday whatever. The alien anthropologists will figure it out.

“Attention! Is this thing on?”

Don’t know why I would need a megaphone this high up? Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. Waltie owned a business. That business worked out of a very tall building in the city. I’m on top of it now. You think he’s responsible for this global catastrophe, don’t you? Nope. That random rock floating in space was random. It flew into the face of the earth, punishing the every human on earth. Except me.

It’s so high up here. I can see the city and the nature reclaiming its territory back. As it should. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have read that journal. Because now, even after death your words haunt me, Walt. 

It doesn’t look bad from up here. Before people, I used to be afraid of heights. Now… 

I need help understanding these made up rules people make for ourselves. Why must we revel in each other’s misery? Why can’t we be accepting of each other? 

People were in such agony before the rock came. We could’ve done better. We were people! We needed each other to live! Heh… were. And now I’m tired of being alone. 

The laws of gravity are still in effect. Such an absolute rule here on earth. That megaphone won’t travel anywhere but down. 

“This is Brian Anthony Devereaux, signing off for the human race. It was a good run.”

Wait no. 

The law is still in effect. If the law is still in effect, that means I’m not alone. 

Is that… do I see someone standing there on Pine Street?

…Can’t breathe…

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